Talk #2 With whom do you communicate and are you really listening?
Purpose:
To demonstrate the importance of communication in order for a relationship to become one of belonging. To clarify that communication cannot occur in a relationship unless there is willingness between two people to belong to one another. To emphasize that for belonging to occur there is a need for openness in communication. To emphasize that when we don't belong, we only hear what the other person is saying. To stress that we begin to listen to another only when we willingly want to belong to the person.
Outline:
a) Illustrate through examples the ingredients for good communication: work, trust in the other, honesty with care, and a willingness to belong.
b) Briefly talk about an experience of communication you have had.
c) Talk about a recent experience of not listening.
d) Describe an incident in which you listened to the verbal and nonverbal communication of someone who belonged to you.
e) Clarify and contrast the differences in each incident.
Suggestions:
If you have two couples for the retreat, this would be a great one for the second couple to do.
One couple spoke about how their strong communication skills saved their marriage because at a time of temptation, he was able to be open and honest with his wife. He knew that she would listen and trusted him enough to hear about it.
TalkShop #2 With whom do you communicate and are you really listening?
Do you have anyone with whom you can communicate?
What can you communicate about yourself or your life to this person?
When was the last time you felt someone communicated with you? What was it like?
What difficulties do you have in communicating yourself?
What do you see as the difference between conversation and communication? With whom do you converse well?
What kind of listener are you? Describe.
To whom do you listen? How often? What are the circumstances?
What are the topics?
How do you know if you're listening or not? Describe the differences you have experienced
What would be the impact of your really listening to your father, your mother, your date, your brother or sister? Would it make a difference in the way you belong to them?
With whom do you Communicate and are you Really Listening?
Read slowly and thoughtfully.
Communication is a personal exchange between two people. It is a revealing of one’s true self to another, an opening of the head and heart. In the dialogue, there is one who reveals and one who responds - one who talks personally and one who listens carefully.
Taking the initiative and reaching out to another stems from a willingness and a desire to belong to the other. It is with those to whom we belong that we are most ready to communicate. Our words need to have meaning.
When we willingly seek to belong, we take on the responsibility of putting ourselves into the words spoken. This involvement makes all the difference. When we want to belong to someone, we ourselves and the other become the message of the communication.
Our best friends are those to whom we can talk on the deepest levels. With a friend, we can share personal things like needs, hopes, worries, problems. Sometimes it is a matter of just getting things off our chest, asking advice, affirming our friendship, or simply passing time. But when we come to trust the other enough to belong to him or her, we go beyond talking to communicating. In our communication with a trusted friend, we express ourselves as we are. We let the other person become part of us as we become part of him or her.
This deeper type of communication doesn’t happen overnight. It takes a firm intention and a clear purpose to open up to another. Once established in a trust-filled relationship, we have to make continued efforts at true communication.
Each of us has two ears and one mouth. Therefore, it should be obvious that we need to listen twice as much as we talk. But how often in our communication with others is the opposite true? Do we get so involved in revealing ourselves to the other person that we never stop to let the other person reveal himself or herself to us?
Listening is more than simply closing our mouth and cleaning out our ears. Rather, it is a total effort in belonging to another, putting the other person before ourselves, and making him or her important in our eyes. To communicate to the other person that he or she is important in our eyes, we have to fully involve ourselves in his or her world.
There is a world of difference between hearing and listening to another person. With concerned questions, we can draw out of the other person what he or she is trying to express. If we are really listening and not just hearing, we sense how the other person’s words are spoken, we are attuned to the tone of voice, focused on the facial expressions as he or she speaks, aware of how the person is sitting or standing before us. In other words, their body language reveals and complements what they are saying. We get the full import of what they are saying to us, verbally and non-verbally.
If we belong to that person, we will listen in this complete way. But if we have no intention or desire to belong, there is little chance of our being willing to listen. Each of us wants and needs to be listened to by another. Insisting on our own need to be met first by others can keep us from listening. Someone in a relationship has to begin to listen. That someone will be the person who cares the most about belonging in that relationship so much so that he or she will start to listen and be open to the words, signs and gestures of the other.
As best you can, explain your reaction.
With whom do you Communicate and are you Really Listening?
1.When I don’t want to listen to someone, I usually (check all that apply):
____ interrupt the person
____ leave the room
____ become quiet
____ make myself busy
____ do something else
____ ignore the person
____ get angry
____ other (specify)
2.Complete each of the following statements:
The one person I would like to listen to more is….
What I think I would gain from this is….
What I think this person would gain from my listening is….
The one person I would like to listen to me more is….
What I think this person would gain from listening to me is….
3. Check the one which most stops you from communicating:
_____ talking too much
_____ protecting my independence
_____ fear of losing control of my life
_____ not wanting to be known
_____ fear of how other(s) will react
_____ lack of trust
_____ not wanting to be tied down to someone
_____ other (specify)
4. Who in your immediate family is most open in communicating his or her own self? Explain why you named that person.
Solo Exercise
The Parable of the Invited Guests
A man was giving a large dinner and he invited many. At dinner time he sent his servant to say to those invited, “Come along, everything is ready now.” But they began to excuse themselves, one and all. The first one said to the servant “I have bought some land and must go out and inspect it. Please excuse me.” Another said, “I have bought five yoke of oxen and I am going out to test them. Please excuse me.” A third said, “I am newly married and so I cannot come.” (Luke 14: 16-20)
1. Who in your family most often invites you to communicate with him or her? What excuse(s) do you give at times? Give a detailed description.
2.At this time, what is there about your life that you would most like to communicate with someone? Explain fully.
3.Whom have you invited to communicate with you? Explain your reason(s)