The first purpose of the Choices program is to explore with single adults the meaning of “relationship”: the consequences and conditions of belonging, and asking “Do I want to belong?” The program is meant to show the privilege we have to belong to another. It helps bring young adults face to face with how they are “belonging” in relationships they presently have with others. We examine who we are and how we behave in our relationships with family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, church and God. In so doing, the program also attacks the assumption in society that tells single young adults they must be separate and independent from everyone else. Though self-reliance is a virtue, it too often seems over emphasized. The maturing process, however, requires that we must reconcile our dependence on others with our independence from others.
The young adults are given an opportunity to examine the direction their lives are going. They are presented the opportunity to make a choice. It is no coincidence that this weekend experience is called Choices. The weekend deals with subjects important to the young Christian adult such as “Are you really listening?”, “What’s your game plan?”, “Who wants to belong to me?”, and “Do you make a difference?”. Choices is not considered a traditional religious retreat. It is an experience of understanding one’s self with the assistance of many other young adults.
The second purpose of the Choices program is to encourage a positive response, in single young adults, to the ongoing mission of the Church and to involve them in definite and specific apostolic ventures. Many young adults are not aware of the many opportunities or vocations available to them other than being a priest, sister or brother, or spouse.
A third basic purpose of the program is to foster and create an environment in which the single young adult can trust others and can talk very personally with peers and older Christian adults. This is not as common an experience as many believe it to be. Many young adults admit they have difficulties in finding someone to confide in and to communicate with on a personal level. One outcome of this program should be a growing depth of trust and communication among those in the program. The participant then can go back to their relationships and apply the same principles, conditions and consequences experienced in the group. Thus, the real content of the program is the experience that the young adult has of the relationships formed in the group.
Approach
Our own vocations have meshed our individual lives with those of all Catholics. In offering this outreach we want to be ourselves and, therefore, we will be offering a Catholic outreach. People of other faiths are indeed welcome to participate as team members or as candidates, with that understanding. And, too, this program is flexible enough that they may easily make the adaptations where necessary for presenting it in their own communities.
It would be good for those presenting this program to note their own attitudes and reactions to the participants. It is also important to act accordingly, so the participants will get the most out of the weekend. You are there for support as well as a sort of sounding board. The following guidelines will help you maintain an attitude that will produce positive results:
· Approach those taking the program as young adults searching for where they belong, not as immature kids or lost souls.
· Value your own commitment. The strong temptation in communicating with single young adults is to undersell what we have to offer. We need to be ourselves and not mimic the manner or language of others. An attempt to relive one’s youth through imitation could be offensive.
· Be honest. We’d like those on the weekend to see that, though we are imperfect, we still belong to another and another can still belong to us. There is no need to appear as if we have it made and everything neatly put together.
· Respect all participants. We want to make it clear that we are all equals. Trust and respect is important. Be supportive and not critical. Even though we are all equal, remember that once the weekend starts, the focus is on the participants and the team members become secondary.
· Practice self-reflection. As we learn to know ourselves we begin to know others. We will find ourselves needing to listen very carefully. It will be important to listen “between the lines,” to hear the heart and not just the words.
· The Church we represent during the weekend shares the life of love and justice, and we should too.
Why young adults?
Over the years, in various ways, faithful and dedicated priests and parishioners have been fully active and personally involved with single young adults. For all of us in the Church, this has been to our benefit. These devoted men and women have discovered that there is common ground when love, concern and a listening heart is extended to single young adults. In many parishes, there are groups formed and clubs provided for single young adults to meet their educational, athletic and social needs. Unfortunately, there are as many, if not more, parishes where none of these exist. There is a lack of openness on the part of many in responsible positions within our Church, to having single young adults join with the rest of their parishioners.
There is a vacuum created between two extremes. On the one side, there are those involved in groups and clubs for single young adults who are providing a needed service but who wonder if they are not running a social club that has no church dimension to it. Certainly Catholic young singles do need a place to congregate. However, the disturbing question arises, “Am I doing anything more than what a social director or an entertainment committee could do?” The other extreme consists of those who, for one reason or another, hesitate to reach out and touch the world of the single young adult. The reason more often vocalized for their position is the fear of becoming a baby-sitter or a watchdog. They might fear the prevalent view of today’s society that we can’t impress on young adults our own morals and values. This also may simply be the result of not knowing how to reach single young adults or despair in having tried unsuccessfully to do so.
Is there a middle ground? We believe this program can be one. Also, we do not see Choices standing alone, but envision its being incorporated into a full pastoral outreach to single young adults. Together, this outreach can involve them more fully in the life of our Church and a real and more meaningful relationship with God. This is done with a mix of peers, married couples, priests and other committed religious people.
There is vitality and idealism in the faith of many of those in this young adult group that needs to be seen and shared with our fellow Catholics. Many of those who have gone before us have poured their life’s blood, savings, and energy into fashioning a parish life and an educational experience for the benefit of young adults. Religious programs, parochial and public high schools, and the home life that their parents labored so hard to foster are some of the channels invested into those who are now young adults. Choices is one more attempt to be a support to young single adults in discerning values, beliefs and holding firm to their visions.
Goals of Choices
The first goal of Choices is for the participants to get the most out of the weekend by learning about belonging, trusting, spirituality and involvement. By the end of the weekend, the team will assist the participants to:
1. Know what BELONGING in a relationship is by:
· understanding its meaning.
· looking at some of the consequences and conditions present in a relationship.
· seeing where he/she stands in present relationships.
2. To learn to TRUST others by:
· talking personally with peers and other Christian adults.
· participating in group discussions, allowing open and honest communication.
· learning more about themselves through sharing with others.
· allowing them to be themselves without judgement or ridicule.
· being able to take the weekend and make it part of their everyday life.
3. Grow SPIRITUALLY by:
· being objective in his/her own relationship with God.
· seeking spiritual guidance from team members or other participants.
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4. Becoming INVOLVED in their own community by:
· applying the same principles experienced on weekend elsewhere.
· setting goals and future direction for their own apostolic ventures
· by sharing their own personal gifts and worth naturally with others.
To help the participants reach the previously listed goals, the Team Members will guide participants by giving of themselves, setting examples and through open, honest communication. Listed are some guidelines to remember.
Helping the participant to know what Belonging in a relationship is by:
· giving honest, open discussions, reflecting on your own relationships.
· showing them how to discover the joys of belonging and sharing that joy with them.
· being vulnerable - with deep opening up - not holding back feelings.
· being COMMITTED to everyone, reaching out to be there for them.
· Belonging to them - giving unconditional love and acceptance.
Helping the participant to Trust others by:
· emphasizing belonging. (all of above)
· accepting the person where he/she is.
· creating a proper atmosphere for trusting.
· By trusting the participants yourself.
Helping the participant to grow Spiritually by:
· having “spiritual resources” available.
· encouraging them to take time to do the solo exercises.
· sharing your own willingness to let the Spirit work in you.
Helping the participant to be Involved by:
· displaying your own self confidence.
· being available for guidance if requested.
· encouraging the participants to share their own experiences and to give of themselves.
Environment
To make this a successful weekend the candidates need to have an environment that promotes the goals of this retreat. Listed are some important suggestions about the environment for the weekend.
· First and foremost the environment should be a relaxed, comfortable setting, aside from the outside world. Any physical or security needs should be meant. Obviously the major needs are meals and sleeping arrangement, but don’t forget such things as full access for any physically disabled participants.
· To help eliminate any red tape, both for the team members as well as the participants, have as much information as possible filled out ahead of time to speed registration.
· When the talks, group discussions, and readings are going on, be sure that there are no other distractions to take away from this important time. With few exceptions, only the Talk Team (and candidates) should be present during talks, triads and talk shops. Make the kitchen team aware of any noises that might become a problem.
· Allow adequate time for personal reflection or just time to be alone. Try to set aside areas that offer some privacy or an area set aside for quiet time.
Helping the participants with these goals not only helps them grow in all areas, but the team members themselves will be richer for the experience. Much is learned during the team building, but just as much is learned from the participants during the weekend.
Chapter 4 Talk Team
The talk team consists of three to four single young adults, a spiritual director, a single committed religious person, one or two married couples, one female co-host and one male co-host. The married couples should be married at least one year or longer. No married couple should be on the Talk Team giving talks only as single persons. Each person will be assigned one talk with the exception of the co-hosts who can choose whether or not to do a talk dependent on the number of people on the team. The team members must attend all meetings and must be present the entire weekend.
The co-hosts should be previous Choices team members. As a team, they bring together all of the happenings of the weekend. They act as the servant and master of ceremonies. It is recommended that the other team members be former Choices participants, except the married couples.
Talk Team Members
The talk team members have a number of responsibilities during the weekend. First and foremost is the talk or presentation that they will give during the weekend. They will have practiced this talk in front of the talk team members and receive feedback on it. The team members will also be the leaders of the triads during the weekend. They will help facilitate the discussions in the triads without dominating them. Talk Team members will get candidates who are not talking to open up and try to temper anyone dominating the discussions. All of this is to be done in a loving and gentle manner. In the talk shops (large group discussions) the talk members will briefly share their thoughts, allowing all the candidates adequate time to express themselves. In summary, they will be the catalyst for the discussions, and then sit back and listen once the candidates start participating.
Co-hosts
The Talk Team leaders (co-hosts) not only have the role of leading the Talk Team, they have a special role as master of ceremonies for the weekend. They assist the director in selecting, organizing and guiding the various teams in conjunction with the other team leaders. Listed are the major responsibilities for the co-hosts.
· They help conduct the team meetings.
· They explain Choices at the first team meeting.
· They explain the cost of the weekend for all team members.
· They obtain from the director lists of all team members, addresses, and phone numbers for the registration team.
· They decide on a date for a follow up evaluation meeting and send out a letter immediately after the weekend
· They are the timekeepers for the weekend.
· They dictate rules of the house (smoking, etc.)
Spiritual Director
· The Spiritual Director is usually a priest who provides the spiritual direction for the retreat. The Spiritual Director will attend all team meetings being aware of the pulse and direction the Spirit is moving within the group. If the spiritual director is a priest, he will celebrate the Masses on the weekend and can give a talk if necessary. Along with the prayer team leader, they plan the Masses and Reconciliation service. If possible, it is recommended that they stay on location the entire weekend and be available for the group meetings and to handle any spiritual problems. The Spiritual Director should also guide and advise the Prayer Team Leader.
Single Committed Religious Person
This can be an Oblate, Brother or a Religious Sister. This individual can give a talk and assist the spiritual director, helping the prayer team to arrange for the priest support for Masses and Reconciliation. If a priest is the Spiritual Director then it is a good balance to have an Oblate or Religious Sister for the retreat.
Married Couple
A married couple should be present for the weekend as a witness to that vocation. A permanent deacon and wife could also bring a special spiritual dimension to the role and could assist the prayer team with spiritual direction and guidance in planning the spiritual activities of the weekend. The married couple should be married at least a year and it is better that they have been married for awhile so that they can bring more experiences to their talks.